My blog is a lot about what I feel personally that I generally can’t express in person. A lot of random thoughts that I can organize and display in proper format. A lot of revisions and 2nd thoughts so what you may have read originally, I may have edited again for a better clarity. My blog and writing, as terrible as it is, is my meditation. My chance to set my thoughts straight and calm my mind in a very public setting.
Why am I writing about such personal things?
Not to garner sympathy or a Go Fund Me page. While I appreciate the thoughts and prayers and even the unsolicited advice, this is about educating myself about making things better for healthcare and patients as an active participant in the system. An insiders point of view. An active observer. My perceptions are my own colored with my idealism regarding medical care. What I hope to see, how I am disappointed or elated at what I end up with.
Here is what I know for sure...don’t get sick at the end of the year. It’s like a fire sale with folks meeting their deductible and cashing in on all the elective tests and procedures they can. I also am guilty of this putting off tests and exams until after our deductible was met and sadly I met that rather early this year and will again this upcoming year. Like you have any control at all over this.
The reality is that things don’t hurt as bad as I thought they might. I always look to the hours post procedure to get through the present situation that I dread. Once the IV is in, the part I hate the worst, I know that some nice CRNA is going to give me a little happy medicine and I will wake on the other side and deal with the aftermath at that time. I rarely take pain meds for more than the first day post op. I just don’t need it but I am unique in that manner. I am a light weight regarding meds and very little puts me way out. I am fortunate in that regard.
The guilt. How do you interpret what medicine asks or says to you without taking it as an accusation of blame? I struggle with this. Yes, I have smoked in the past and enjoy and occasional cigar. Am I paying for my transgressions? It’s an easy jump, easier than you can imagine. I am not going there, I can’t. It’s not fair but what is fair these days?
I will express my frustrations, pray for patience and carry on no matter what is coming knowing I have seen patients endure much worse but, always will wonder why? I think maybe it’s more important to pray for acceptance for what comes. I know a few folks that have lived with my condition for years, quietly, unnoticed, doing well. It does not define them nor will it me. But I will talk about it if asked because it’s the way to help others.
Yes I am still cooking.
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